After our split, I made a rule that I'd never think back on anything we did sexually. It just didn't seem right -- I did not want to be accessing those feelings But, she was the only woman I was with for 30 years. Three full decades of sexual experiences, locked away forever You realize that's like 12 times I can't think about?! An exaggeration, of course. But an honest sentiment. Which I heard a lot from my married friends.
One of them asked me to lunch after my separation. He said his marriage was teetering, and wanted to know what I was going through. At the end of our conversation, summed it up like this: But even in couples that are "happily married," it certainly feels like a majority are mismatched sexually. Somebody -- often the husband, but definitely not always -- isn't happy.
I read about sex a lot online, as I'm constantly seeking articles to aggregate for my website, DivorcedOver And, as you've likely noticed, there's no shortage of sex advice online. Leaving the technical angle to others better qualified see joke aboveI wanted to dig into the relationship advice being offered out there. Let me qualify all that follows by acknowledging that as a man, I can only offer a male point of view on the topic.
In general, advice pieces start with the premise that men are simple and want sex all the time, while women are complicated and need the right emotional situation to be interested. For example, a doctor is quoted in a WebMD post saying her female patients' desire " It continues that men think about sex much more often than women, are turned on much more "Sexually frustrated in my marriage," and even adds that nuns maintain their vows of chastity better than priests.
The laundry, says Lloyd Garver in this very funny piece. Garver found a couple of studies, and even a book, on the topic of household chores. His review of the "literature" suggests that women are happier when men help out at home, making them more likely to want sex.
One researcher even quantified the libido increase at one more time per month. Is the extra nookie worth the risk of dishpan hands? Every man will have to decide for himself.
She continues that men want to believe women get just as hot from looking at them, but she says they do not. Rather, a woman's desire "is driven by a series of micro events where she feels good" in her partner's presence. Brody says a woman needs to feel that she's seen and appreciated by her man, that he's taking care of her, and that he demonstrates trustworthiness by respecting and admiring her.
I mentioned this theory to the woman I'm seeing, who laughed -- not because she disagreed, but because she'd seen it in action. It was just so obvious. And so completely turned me off. Synthesizing all of the above, in the "classic" scenario where it's the man who wants more sex, here's a suggestion for what he should do:.
Follow Brody's advice -- treat the woman in your life with respect and admiration, appreciate her and take care of her. But not because you think it'll get you laid, do it because it's how you want to treat Sexually frustrated in my marriage as part of being in a committed relationship. And do it consistently, not just the 90 percent of the time when you want sex. If you treat her this way and it doesn't improve, you need to explore what issues may be involved.
Perhaps it's transitory, like work stress. Or will eventually improve, like being exhausted from dealing with the children all day. But it could also signal fundamental problems in the relationship. And it's probably time discuss, rather than letting your frustration build. And if you decide you don't want to treat her this way all the time, well, you've gained insight into your feelings for her, and also forfeited your right to complain about the sex.
Results Two and Three do not mean the relationship cannot continue. There's much more to a relationship than sex, and plenty of couples make accommodations, adjust expectations, connect in other ways, and happily move forward in their lives together.